Today, I wish to post a testimony of thanks to my Heavenly Father, on this Father’s Day. I praise The great I AM! I praise You Jesus! I Thank You very much for saving me!
Many years ago, I had been suffering from clinical depression, probably brought on through the ill-advised use of the anti-depressant Prozac, prescribed for me (in dangerously large amounts,) in the hope that it would heal me of the constant migraines that I had been suffering from. Instead, it led me into a nightmare that almost ended my life.
Few people can really understand the anguish that affects one suffering from this kind of depression, unless they themselves have also suffered from it. For me, it was an actual physical pain, that affected my whole body. It physically hurt to be alive. So I have included a poem that I had written during this time, which shows the depths of which Jesus pulled me out of.
Within The Hungry Emptiness
The darkness ascends
It covers the mind
As thick as tar
To a place no one finds.
All the tiny pieces
That once could form your life
Now scattered in the air
You try to grab for one
To put it back in place
But your hand stays empty.
In a solid world
From thought to thought
From deed to deed
So many energies in the air
Or going anywhere.
Red from anger
Gray with futility
Hands clenching through
A snarled empty head
Unable to grasp a thread
Watching the pot
Boil over with fear
Beyond just broken
Death’s stone face within me
Pulls my feet across the floor
Performs the motions of the living
While pulling my mind through its door
And shutting itself behind me
Too beyond it now
Too far ahead
So I stay where I am
Within the hungry emptiness.
Below is an adapted version of a ‘reader’s theatre’ script that I had written (and performed) for a church I used to go to many years back. It is the testimony of how Jesus used one of His obedient children, to stop me from committing suicide, during the lowest point of my life.
(From my viewpoint:)
I hid myself… in my bedroom closet.
Shut the doors…, then closed my eyes. Depression!…
That… ever-hungry emptiness… that haunted me,
Had finally… consumed… my all.
All I could think of… was… how to kill myself.
But… through these thoughts,
a voice… from within… called to me,
and whispered,… “I need you.”
I questioned the voice,… then realized it was God.
I told him how unworthy I was,… how useless.
Yet… he persisted.
“But… you’re God!”, I said,
“You?…You can do anything!
I scoffed. “What do you need me for?”
He answered,…“To help others… like you,
To reach out …to those… among you
who have gone through… what you have.”
When I asked Him how,
He told me …time would tell,
And to somehow …just get through the afternoon.
“But I can’t!” I cried,
for I feared… my enemies,
Pain,… emptiness,… and… despair.
They’d press me to death, while I waited there.
Then the voice reminded me; “Genna”.
“But God,” I said, “she’s probably busy today.”
Yet… I found myself calling her anyways.
I asked her if I could come over to visit,
And she told me… she wasn’t sure.
“I’ll call you right back though,” she said,
“and let you know.”
So I sat there by the phone…and waited.
(From my friend Genna’s viewpoint:)
I slammed down the phone,
Angry at God,
To think he would even ask this of me!
“You know,” I said, speaking out loud,
“just how long I’ve planned to go to this party,
And now you’re demanding I cast it aside?”
“Be with her,” the thought clearly filled my mind,
“But Lord,” I insisted, “I can be with her tomorrow.”
“No,” the spirit whispered firmer this time,
“I need you to be with her now.”
I sighed, defeated, and said, “oh, all right,”
And when she arrived after my call,
I did sense something wasn’t right.
We talked about the weather, the traffic, and gardening,
Spoke about nothing at all.
Then after a time she stood up and said she felt better,
And told me she needed to go;
For her husband would be home soon.
“Oh how could you Lord!,” I fumed to myself,
as I followed her out towards the door,
“I don’t understand why you asked this of me;
This was all such a waste of time!”
But after we said our goodbye’s to each other,
She turned back to me and added,
“Thank you Genna, for being with me today.
I would have committed suicide,
If it hadn’t been for you.”
I stood there stunned, as I watched her walk away,
Angry, my mind raced, and I wondered,
What should have I done instead?
“Peace little one,” the Holy Spirit replied,
“you have done what I asked,
now you must let her go.”
It took a while to be completely freed from that demon of depression. (I did not know at that time, about casting out demons in the name of Jesus.) Fighting off the depression always seemed to be a struggle. Till one day, listening to a prophesy TV show, the speaker, while praying for those in the audience, suddenly stopped and looked up into the camera, and said that there was someone listening to the broadcast, that was being freed from the demon of depression, right at that moment, and that this person should claim their healing in the name of Jesus, and to forbid satan to trouble them anymore. Satan tried to tell me that the message was for someone else, but I still wondered if it really was meant for me. “Yes! You!” the man’s voice called out (it felt like he was speaking directly to me,) “Do not doubt your healing! You have been set free!” At that moment, as I stood there in the living room doing some housework, I felt the heavy weight that had been on me for so long being lifted off of me. I decided right them and there, that I would claim the message as my own.
Glory to Jesus Christ of Nazareth; for indeed, He has set me free!
(And yes, in case you were wondering, Jesus also healed me from the constant migraine attacks, but that story will have to wait for another day… 🙂
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