April 7th, 2005
After several more days of enduring these horrid emotions,
(talk about dragging my feet!)
I finally go to God in PUSH prayer.
After 40 minutes or so, God tells me to go read
Through my old journal entries again.
“The ones on WAR.”
I had to go back to
Saturday, December 4th, 2004….
“Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree’
To soften before hand
And be ready for him when he returns,
Waiting for him with arms open wide?
I don’t know about that one, Lord…
I think of the ‘Call Of Duty,
extension CD game (my husbands favorite PC game) entitled:
It talked about the players needing to work with
their other team members, together,
so they could win the war.
A sort of parable of those working for Christ
And the kingdom of God.
“Could you not think of those hurtful words or deeds
as Satan’s weapons
that he tricks your husband into using against you?
Oh Ma petite, the more time you spend with me,
the more satan’s weapons will have no effect on you.
They will be rendered useless.”
Lord, when one becomes wounded
In this spiritual war, what do you do?
Just ignore the wound?
“If the wound is not serious, then yes.
You continue on till the course of the day
allows you to see to your wound.
If the wound is serious, and you physically can not go on
Fighting the good fight,
Then you must stop and as soon as possible,
Come to Me, so it can be treated.”
Oh Lord, just the thought of someone you trust
Suddenly turning on you and becoming the enemy,
Is too hard to bear!
How can one ever really come to trust them?
“When they reveal themselves as the enemy
(or as untrustworthy,)
that is when they would be sick and in need of Me.
There are many different wounds on this battlefield.
With some, you can see their wound right away,
And see how it is incapacitating them.
And with others, it is hard to see that death
Working to end the life within them.
Both you can not see except through Me.
Remember; only Satan cares for war, ma petite.
Be strong with the Lord’s mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.
Use every piece of God’s armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the sturdy belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News, so that you will be fully prepared. In every battle you will need faith as your shield to stop the fiery arrows aimed at you by Satan. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray at all times and on every occasion in the power of the Holy Spirit. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all Christians everywhere.
Pray at all times
and on every occasion
in the power of the Holy Spirit.
And be persistent
in your prayers…”
Lord, is the earth shaking a part of war?
Then I thought of the weapons used in war.
Particularly of bombs.
Yet I remained a cynic.
Do bombs cause the earth to shake like an earthquake Lord?
I sensed the answer was yes, but I doubted,
For I did not know enough about war to know for sure.
“Yes little one,” He replied. “Trust Me; they do.
Especially the ones that fall close to you.”
Oh But Lord!
I don’t want to keep on fighting with him!
“This is your only choice;
the path I’ve made for you,
(God’s path, means to stay with my husband,
despite him being such a …ugh!?)
“Do you think you are the only one to feel the bomb, ma petite?What if BOTH of you got injured by the bomb?”
These wounds obtained in battle…
are they like the heat that purifies the silver?
“That depends upon the action of the believer.
Heat only softens & melts the silver;
I Am the only one,
Who can skim off the impurities from the top.
If they came to me, in trust and child-like faith,
Asking me to purify them
And remake them into My image,
Then yes, the heat will serve
To soften you for the remolding,
And I will purify the dross from your soul.
But if you do not, if you remain hard,
And do not come to me,
Then the heat will only leave the believer
With the scars of war.
The harder the metal is
and the more scarred the believer,
the longer it will take,
to transform their image into mine.”
(After another hour or so in P.U.S.H. prayer…)
Oh My Child,
If you only knew of the power
You hold in your hands!
Like an Olympic runner,
The torch of hope and light
Has been passed to you
& is now in your hands.
If you could only realize,
The power, hope, and light
You hold in your hands,
Then NOTHING would stand
In your way!
A torch, Lord?
“Yes. Like a relay runner
in the old Olympic games.
Research the first races.
You will find that there were
That could befall the runner,
And stop him from finishing
(I remained on my knees in prayer for several more hours,
Still trying to overcome the painful words and actions
Of my husband. How could he be so uncaring?)
“Oh ma petite! You NEED
to get rid of that
‘You versus me’ mentality.
To not take it personally,
as an attack against you.
The ‘you versus me’ mentality
And taking it personally,
Is what will lead you into battle
Against your brother
And against ME.
Strive to be free from these leads.
Remember ma petite,
The battle is ever between you and evil,
NOT between you and another.
NEVER MAKE IT A PERSONAL MATTER!
One day, eventually,
if you spend enough time
in My presence,
ALL of your wounds will be healed.
Even if you do not ‘feel’ like praying,
and asking for your hearts to be softened,
you are to FORCE yourself to ask for it,
because this is My will for you.”
As I rise,
(tired of all this P.U.S.H. prayer,)
That insatiable emptiness begins to fill me.
“You know what that feeling is, right ma petite?”
Yeah., I knew what it was.
It’s what happens when one turns away from Christ.
The heart and soul aches,
From the lack of nourishment it had partaken of before.
“You see, little one, this is an ‘either or’.
There is only two possibilities,
once you have drank from My fountain.
As soon as you turn away from Me,
The ever-waiting darkness ascends
And begins to eat away your soul.”
Oh, how nice;
The proverbial rock or hard place.
What a choice. ( – Not!)
Turn from You, and
Face the pain of emptiness within,
Or turn to You, and
Face the pain of betrayal by one loved,
Not much choice there, Lord.
Not much choice at all.
“Can’t you trust me, ma petite?”
(Sigh.) No Lord, I can not.
I am too afraid of the pain.
So I remain here immobilized,
As the teeth of withdrawal settles in,
Biting at my soul.
And then go back to Praying Until Something Happens.
Is this PUSH prayer, (Pray Until Something Happens prayer,)
The only way to do this? (I do not like praying like this; it sometimes feels like I’m just wasting my time…)
“No. But it’s quicker.
How long did you want
To stay in the hurt?
Do you wish to heal
From these ‘wounds of war’?
where the pressure is coming from!
When possible, TURN TOGETHER,
To the only one who can fight
Against the adversary and win.
Lord, How do I put on
Your protective armor,
That you talk about
In Ephesians 6?
It says to use every piece of Your armor.
I know that the sword is the words of the Bible,
And that my faith in You (ie: JUST BELIEVE,)
Can be a shield that protects me from Satan’s attacks.
But ‘the body armor of God’s righteousness’…
How in heaven’s name can one put THAT on?
What IS it? I simply do not understand!
“Each time you come to me to pray,
a thin layer of this protective coating
is given to you. Kind of like the polyurethane
you coat the kitchen table with, to protect it
from getting damaged.
The more coats that cover you,
The more protected from hurt you will be.”
Does some of it come from the Holy Spirit?
lord, how can I tell
when my loved one is acting ‘foolish’?
Are there not signs that I could watch out for?
(So I could stop and go P.U.S.H. pray sooner,
In the hopes of preventing more hurt.)
“A person acting foolish will:
Try to control things and others
By rage, passive anger, sullen silence,
Whining, complaining, threatening suicide,
Give you the ‘silent treatment’,
Lie, cheat, steal, or charm you, or
play the role of a victim or martyr,
leaving you feeling abused.
They believe that if YOU were different,
There wouldn’t be a problem.
They act self-reliant and self-centered,
Complacent, selfish, sullen,
Quick-tempered, and or contemptuous.
They trust in themselves alone,
And stubbornly maintain their position
At all costs. (ie: they are always right.)
They mock at the thought
of making amends for their actions.
They create strife
because of their selfishness,
and cause destruction,
often with their tongue.
They stubbornly want to do
what they want to do,
(and they enjoy doing it,)
Even though it may endanger
Themselves or others.”
What are the signs of being in full repent?
“You will see an attitude of humility
(Not just agreeing that they were wrong.)
They will often look for ways to make amends.
(ie: Have the heart of a servant.)
When they are genuinely sorry,
They will not be pushy, or demanding
In getting their needs met.
If you end up getting more
Complaints, excuses, or conditions,
From them, chances are
That they are still not in full repent.”
Then I would need to go back and keep P.U.S.H. praying for them?
But Lord, I’m so busy!
I don’t have that kind of time just to go P.U.S.H. pray!
“Go do your job as you must,
But give all your free time to Me,
In P.U.S.H. prayer.
Remember ma petite,
Whenever ‘something is not as it should be’,
It is then, that you are to STOP
And COME TO ME, and
PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS.
Could be your loved one’s heart
changing and softening to Me and to you,
Or even a sense of peace that finally comes over you.
A sign of ME, is what you’re looking for…”
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