Reliving Old Grief

 

I dreamed of my mother again,
And of my grandmother.

I was back in my old childhood house, living out of a suitcase,
And having to face my mother’s death again.

My uncle was also there with me;
I sensed that he had been sent there to help me recover from my mother’s death, and was praying for me.

I kept wandering around the house looking for something familiar,
Something of comfort, but could find nothing.

I kept a blanket around me (I was only in my undergarments
Underneath,) and thought to get dressed, but even the clothes in my suitcase
Were unfamiliar.

I seen the odd collections of ceramics and plates that were still unfinished, (she liked to make them,) but they were things I had not seen before.

I sensed it was time to give them away.

I kept crying, the grief overwhelming me
Consuming from the inside out.

I tried to go through the closet to the other side of the house
Like I used to when I was young, but it had long been blocked off.

“I miss you so much mother!” I exclaimed to the closet wall.
“And I miss you too, grandma & grandpa!”

“But I miss my mama most of all!”

No matter how hard I tried,
I just kept crying.

I then woke up.

*

When I awoke,
I kept hearing the tune of a song, (a top 40 song,) that keeps repeating itself:
“I keep bleeding…Keep keep bleeding…love…I get cut up inside…”

I looked up the date of when my mother died.

Several years ago this Thursday.

Figures.
Maybe that’s why I dreamed of her again.

“That,” I felt God reply,
“and the tulips that are sitting on top of your kitchen counter,
Constantly reminding you of your grandmother.
They help too.”

I thought of my mother and how she lived in the same house as her parents,
And wondered how she coped with all the memories of her parents
Constantly surrounding her.

My heart remained heavy though,
As I relived the grief from my mother’s death.

“This is an attack from satan, Ma Petite,” my God replied.

“A dream of my mother?” I was a little confused of this.
“What’s wrong with having a dream of my mom?”

“This dream, brought you grief, pain, and loneliness, all over again.
Which kingdom is better served, bringing you that?”

True; it was hard to continue on with life when you’re struck down again with that ‘death grief’. Yes, reliving old grief definitely was an attack from satan….

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Matthew 6:34 KJV “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”

Psalm 23:1-6 (KJV) “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

John 14:27 (KJV) “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

 

Who Would I Be Submitting To?

I have dreaded posting this, because the topic of wifely submission has been such a volatile one within the Christian body of believers. However, the Holy Spirit has pressed upon me, to share my own experience in this matter, -at least some of it; because all of it would be enough to form a book, -for there are those still out there, who are being hindered in their walk with Christ because of it, and there are those who have even been kept from believing in Christ because of it.

I will say up front that I have quite a history with this topic.
For my entire childhood and teenage years, I watched my mother submit to the fist of my father. When my mother would go to the Roman Catholic Church for help, the priests would always tell her that if she was having any problems in her marriage, then it was her fault, and that she had failed somehow to submit to her husband as God’s Word instructs.
For what would the husband have to be upset about, (especially enough to hit,) if the wife always complied with the wishes of her husband? The same instruction was given to me as a child, concerning obedience.

But it never worked. Not for my mother, not for me as a child, and not even for my father, who was never satisfied, no matter what was done.

To be fair, my father was an alcoholic, struggling against that ‘demon in the bottle’. But I had not realized this, till I was older.

Sadly, I don’t think my father ever realized it.

Such heart ache within a Christian marriage, did not look good to those on the outside of Christianity. In fact, it was giving Jesus a bad name. After all, if this was the ‘fruit’ of believing, then who wanted it?

I certainly didn’t.

For what kind of God, could state in His Word, how much He loves us, even women, yet instruct women to stay in such an abusive relationship?

It made a mockery of God’s Word.

I secretly left the church, and began studying witchcraft,
In the hopes of evening out that score.

I lit certain colored candles and whispered spells that blessed my mother, and then lit certain colored candles and cast spells that cursed my father.

But no matter what I did in the end, the ‘scores’ always went back to the way they were, and the inner hurt remained.

Years later, when I truly came to Christ and repented,
I found I was still left with the same confusion.

One day, in going to my Lord about it within my own marriage,
The Holy Spirit spoke to me about the apostle Paul, and told me that Paul never meant to have his words be such a stumbling block for women. As I was crying my eyes out and pounding on the floor with my fists in my sorrow and grief, the Holy Spirit told me that Paul himself, up in heaven, was grieved to see how much I was hurting because of it. Paul’s intention was never to make women lesser beings than men, or to give license to men to abuse their wives, or even ‘lord it over women’. Paul wanted both male and female to care for each other, as Christ Himself cares for them. They were supposed to be a team, working together for the Kingdom of Christ.

This surprised me greatly, and gave me cause to research further into the words of Paul. What I discovered, made me delve further into some of the other scriptures concerning husbands and wives.

(If you’re interested in what Paul was really saying in those letters, a good book on the topic, is entitled “Paul, Women & Wives”, by Craig S. Keener, ISBN# 0-943575-96-6.)

What I discovered, was very eye opening and heart healing.

There are many good books and even web sites that are out there, that explain the egalitarian viewpoint on submission far better than I ever could. I will share some of my favorites at the end of this post.

But there was one thing that really cemented it all for me, personally. It happened when my children and I started to actually SEE the demons and angels that exist in the unseen world.

My children and I have seen
Demons affecting people, ESPECIALLY believers.

My kids have watched the demons hang around, sit upon, go before, attach themselves to, whisper into the ear, choke, hamper, instigate, incite, and especially monitor, people.

They have seen people being manipulated by the demons, getting them to do things they would not do without the demon’s meddling. This has frequently happened in our own family.

We have witnessed, that whatever the demon whispers into the person’s ear, comes right out of the person’s mouth, usually word for word, unchanged.

So, if an evil spirit is affecting my husband, whispering in his ear, and my husband is repeating the demons words word for word, as he is telling me what to do, am I still supposed to submit to him?

Just who would I be submitting to? My husband? Or a demon?

I know without a doubt, what a believer is to do concerning evil and demons. The bible tells us that we are to:

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. (James 4:7, NIV)

Abstain from all appearance of evil. (1 Thess. 5:22 KJV)

Cast out unclean spirits. (See Matthew 10:1, KJV)

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:21 KJV)

So, clearly, simply submitting to my husband
Is not always God’s Will for me,
For I know that God would not want me to submit myself to a demon or evil spirit.

The one piece of scripture that the Lord has kept bringing to me on this, is Colossians 3:18.

Wives, subject yourselves to your husbands, as is appropriate in the Lord. (CJB)

Most people stress the first part of this, and gloss over the last part of it. But the Lord was stressing the last part of it with me.

It was His way of telling me, that I was to ALWAYS come to HIM, FIRST.

GOD would be the one to determine if I was to obey my husband, or not.

I HAD TO GO TO GOD FIRST!

There have been times when the Lord has told me to remove myself for a short amount of time from my husband, so that I or he, could calm down and feel safe. (Abuse, even if it’s just verbal, was not God’s Will for anyone.)

Usually my God has me on my knees, P.U.S.H. praying for our hearts to be softened, first to Him, then to each other. He also instructs me to cast out the demon spirits coming between us, (or affecting one of us,) in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

One time I had figured for sure my God would understand me not submitting to my husband, for it was a matter of life and death. And yet that was when the Lord told me to still go ahead and submit to him, to stay (and not seek out a safe and dry hotel,) despite the danger, and that my God would protect us all and cover us under His wings. (See https://dreamsofdunamis.wordpress.com/2012/07/14/footsteps-of-a-guardian-angel/ for that posted example.)

I’ve had other times, when I thought that submitting to my husband was no big deal, and that I could go along with what he had decreed. (For example, moving to another place for a job.) Yet the Lord would tell me quite firmly, that I was to NOT to submit to him, and to get down on my knees and start P.U.S.H. praying instead, that my husband would re-think his position, for he was about to make a move that was not in the Will of God.

I asked the Lord for more confirmation, that there were times when a wife should not obey her husband. I asked Him to show me just one wife in the bible, that did not obey her husband, but was still thought of as being right or good by God. (I honestly did not think there was even one.)

But He gave one to me.

Abigail.

I found her story in 1 Samuel 25:1-42.

“She knew ma petite,” my Lord tells me, “that what she was about to do was against her husbands wishes. Nabal had felt that he had already dealt with the matter. Yet Abigail still knew that what her husband Nabal did was wrong, and was not the Will of God. So she disobeyed her husband, and went forth to greet David with gifts, as a representative of the town, and told David of her defiance against Nabal. She was no doormat to her husband. She was intelligent and thought for herself, as well as for the good of her people. She was Mine, (meaning her heart was for Me,) and she received My Blessings.”

So, there was my confirmation.

I am so very glad, that now in the New Testament (and beyond,) we can cast out such demons from troubling people, in the name of Jesus.

Most egalitarian conclusions claim that the bible promotes submission to one another.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21 NIV)

…Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. (1 Peter 5:5 KJV)

“Regarding life together and getting along with each other, you don’t need me to tell you what to do. You’re God-taught in these matters. Just love one another!” (1 Thessalonians 4:9)

During the hardest part of my marriage, when submission to my husband was simply unthinkable to me, the Lord gave me these words:

“When the wife submits to her husband, and the husband puts her needs first, this makes a beautiful Christ-like marriage. Think of this in terms of steps. If you have trouble submitting to your husband, then focus on submitting to ME instead. And after a while, (of being one with Me,) you may find that submitting to your husband will happen, simply by the OUTGROWTH of your relationship with ME. Submit to Me, until you are able to submit to one another.”

I pray that this testimony will reach those it was written for. Whether male or female, God loves you VERY much…

Shalom,

C. Dunamis

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http://newlife.id.au/equality-and-gender-issues/submission-respect-1-peter-3_1-6/ (Interesting insights on OT Sara.)

http://biblicalpersonhood.wordpress.com/christian-myths-on-gender-and-gender-roles/ (This is a page of topic links. She also has other good writings to look into on her web site.)

http://www.rockymountainministries.org/mythbusters/17-mythbusters/42-myth-14-women-are-lower-in-marriage-and-ministry-myth-14-women-are-lower-in-marriage-and-ministry.html (There are many more links to check out in their side bar.)

http://titus2keeper.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/wives-are-subject-to.pdf ((Very good and worth reading many times!)

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