Still Here

It has been hard, going through all of this. Since my last post, I have been hit with many attacks, physical, spiritual, and emotional. I thought for sure it was the demon of diabetes, but the tests came back negative. The Great Physician diagnosed me with inflammation instead. I am claiming my healing. Please keep praying for me.

When starting this blog, I had promised the Lord that I would try to at least do one post a month. But during these illnesses, satan managed to pull me from my promise and my purpose.

The first yank came when I went on line to answer comments. I found so many that were so negative, that it was disheartening.

I’ve had my share of nasty comments (usually from unbelievers, wiccans, and satanists,) to the point that they no longer trouble me. I don’t even read their comments anymore; I return to them unopened spiritually whatever they send to me, and then delete their comments.

No, what hit me, were all the comments from other believers. All I had asked for, on my last two posts, was for prayer. Yet by far, the majority of the comments made by other believer’s, were ones of condemnation or unbelief. They wanted to know what I would do if I wasn’t healed. Some wanted to know what horrible sin I had done to receive such judgement from God. Others believed that it was God’s Will for me to suffer, and that I should just accept it. I was dumbfounded at their beliefs. Haven’t they read the book of Job? Have they forgotten all the scriptures that state God’s wonderful Will for His children? Didn’t they read the New Testament where it shows that Jesus didn’t turn people away who had sought him out for help, by stating that nope, sorry, but it was the will of the Father for them to remain sick?

There were other comments such as these, that satan tried to use to instill doubt within me. I struggled to clung to the scriptures. My favorite is Jeremiah 29:11: “I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.” When wondering what was from satan or not, the scripture John 10:10 pointed it out clearly: “The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” Trying to kill my faith, steal my vision, and destroy my mobility with a stroke was obviously from satan and not my God!

The second pull was satan whispering in my ear, telling me that I no longer held the right to blog, for I was no longer standing in victory. It was probably best to wait till I had complete victory over all my illnesses before posting again.

Then lastly, I began to doubt just how much good the blog was doing for the kingdom of God.

So I decided to give it up. I shut down the computer and crawled away.

But the Lord Jesus, in all His mercy, reminded me of a dream I had long ago…

(To be continued….)
“Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he saveth them out of their distresses.” (Psalm 107:19 KJV)

“Thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee: and the light shall shine upon thy ways.” (Job 22:28 KJV)

“For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.” (Mark 11:23 KJV)

“Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.” (Mark 11:24 KJV)

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”( Isaiah 53:5 KJV)

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” (Proverbs 18:21 KJV)

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (Ephesians 4:29 KJV)

“There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.” (Proverbs 12:18 KJV)

“Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with loving kindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Psalm 103:1-5 KJV)

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? (Matthew 7: 7-11 KJV)

What God Was Talking About

Dec. 5th, 2004

Now I know why God was warning me, with that dream about the 100 yellow ribbons around the old oak tree. He knew what would happen between me & my husband today.

It was the first day of my monthly, a day when I’m VERY emotional, and often irritable. And this day was no exception. I knew it, tried to stop it, but could not.

Then I see my husband, becoming care-less towards the kids and me, among other ‘usual’ struggles he fights during these times. We had our ‘usual words’, where I ‘suggest’ sleeping elsewhere, when I suddenly felt God descend upon me with a burst of sudden calm empathetic clarity, and I realized that this was what God was talking about. I had to love my husband, and open up my arms to him, when he starts to ‘’turn back’ to God, to us, and our family. He had begun to turn, but I kept on beating him up with my accusations and words. Condemning words. Words that DESPAIR loves to get from me & use against him. Patterns of pain learned from my parents and their dysfunctional marriage. Patterns over fifty years old.

I see the despair in him and I hate myself again, for giving Satan’s minion such tools of torture to use against him. When will I ever learn?

I get so angry then, full of self-hate, repeatedly wondering when WILL I ever change?! I LOVE this man! So why can I not seem to stop hurting him? I hear my God whisper Satan’s name to me, and I realize He’s right again; that it’s Satan who leads me into this valley to taunt me and use me for his gain and my loss. Yet again I ask; how long will this be so? When will I finally beat this tricksy deceiver back out of MY territory? When will I finally fight myself free of his bonds?

I then gave my husband my journal entry to read, about the one hundred yellow ribbons. I told him that he was my hero; the one who ties them all around that old oak tree in our front yard. After he gets done reading it, he clasps it in his fist, tucked under his pillow, and close to his heart. I ask him why he does this, and he tells me that he never thought of himself as my hero, and that it was so beautiful, he didn’t want to let it go.

After kissing him good night, and telling him that I love him,
I go and cry my eyes out.

Here I am, so afraid to tell him just how good he is to me, because I fear he’ll start to think so highly of himself, that one day he’ll say; “well, if I’m really that good, then why do I have to settle for someone like you?” And then he’ll leave me for someone else. Isn’t that awful? I’ve lived with this fear for as long as I’ve known him.

Which means he’s lived with it for that long, too.
I never really thought it affected him too much. But after seeing what he did with my journal entry tonight…

And I know, it all comes down to that faith thing; to simply decide to believe, that me and my husband, our marriage, will one day be strong, joyous, and one, and last till the day we die.

Funny… they never told me just how difficult this ‘faith thing’ was in any of my Catechism or Sunday school classes…

(Oh Lord, please help me…help me to love him like You love him…*)

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