Dec. 5th, 2004
Now I know why God was warning me, with that dream about the 100 yellow ribbons around the old oak tree. He knew what would happen between me & my husband today.
It was the first day of my monthly, a day when I’m VERY emotional, and often irritable. And this day was no exception. I knew it, tried to stop it, but could not.
Then I see my husband, becoming care-less towards the kids and me, among other ‘usual’ struggles he fights during these times. We had our ‘usual words’, where I ‘suggest’ sleeping elsewhere, when I suddenly felt God descend upon me with a burst of sudden calm empathetic clarity, and I realized that this was what God was talking about. I had to love my husband, and open up my arms to him, when he starts to ‘’turn back’ to God, to us, and our family. He had begun to turn, but I kept on beating him up with my accusations and words. Condemning words. Words that DESPAIR loves to get from me & use against him. Patterns of pain learned from my parents and their dysfunctional marriage. Patterns over fifty years old.
I see the despair in him and I hate myself again, for giving Satan’s minion such tools of torture to use against him. When will I ever learn?
I get so angry then, full of self-hate, repeatedly wondering when WILL I ever change?! I LOVE this man! So why can I not seem to stop hurting him? I hear my God whisper Satan’s name to me, and I realize He’s right again; that it’s Satan who leads me into this valley to taunt me and use me for his gain and my loss. Yet again I ask; how long will this be so? When will I finally beat this tricksy deceiver back out of MY territory? When will I finally fight myself free of his bonds?
I then gave my husband my journal entry to read, about the one hundred yellow ribbons. I told him that he was my hero; the one who ties them all around that old oak tree in our front yard. After he gets done reading it, he clasps it in his fist, tucked under his pillow, and close to his heart. I ask him why he does this, and he tells me that he never thought of himself as my hero, and that it was so beautiful, he didn’t want to let it go.
After kissing him good night, and telling him that I love him,
I go and cry my eyes out.
Here I am, so afraid to tell him just how good he is to me, because I fear he’ll start to think so highly of himself, that one day he’ll say; “well, if I’m really that good, then why do I have to settle for someone like you?” And then he’ll leave me for someone else. Isn’t that awful? I’ve lived with this fear for as long as I’ve known him.
Which means he’s lived with it for that long, too.
I never really thought it affected him too much. But after seeing what he did with my journal entry tonight…
And I know, it all comes down to that faith thing; to simply decide to believe, that me and my husband, our marriage, will one day be strong, joyous, and one, and last till the day we die.
Funny… they never told me just how difficult this ‘faith thing’ was in any of my Catechism or Sunday school classes…
(Oh Lord, please help me…help me to love him like You love him…*)
* * * *