Remembering Who’s Child I Am

A dream…

It is dark outside, and I realize this is another dream. So I look around at the sky and the horizon, searching to see if there are any tornadoes. (There usually is.)

The sky is darkening by the moment, rolling over an around me.

I stand on a hill, alone. Behind me, stands a house, large, with many rooms.

I sense my grandmother near me, catch a glimpse of her favorite pink dress, and then she motions to me, that there was, or could be, shelter within the building, if I wanted it. I thought of it, dreading having to go in and search out the safest hiding place, knowing that at any moment, it could all come crashing in on us.

I pause, and take one more look for any tornadoes.

Then I see them, three of them, off to the right hand of me, behind some other buildings, off into the distance. With ribbing like an elephant’s trunk, swaying back and forth, they came towards me, towards the big house, slowly. As if they had all the time in the world, and knew it.

But I knew I did not.

It would take time to find the best hiding place.

Oh but my heart just dreaded it so. “I am TIRED of these dreams,” I say out loud. “I want to wake up!” I did my best to will it, but could not.

Still the tornado trunks came.

“Run inside and hide, quick!” I heard a voice say to me.

And I went back towards the house and almost went in it to do so.

But at the last moment, I stand up and say “No!”

With my whole body screaming at me (ARE YOU CRAZY?!) I stand and say “NO!” more loudly.

I go back out onto the lawn and the hill, and face the three tornadoes. I shake like a leaf, trembling in their winds, as I stand there, and remember who’s child I am.

“No!,” I shout to the tornadoes as loud as I can, “I will not run and hide any longer! If my God Jesus wants me to be in a tornado, then so be it! I will stand and await his will for me!” I gave a slight pause before finishing. “”I trust in Him.”

All at once, the most center forward of the tornadoes changed its meanderings, its pace, and came forward, going around the other buildings. With a sudden flash, it changed to a ream of bolted lightening, its rays flashing and snapping to and from its form.

Miraculously, (I could not believe how I did so,) I stood my ground.

“Run! Hide! Are you crazy?,” said a voice nearby.

But I held to my ground, trembling as I did so, claiming, “No, I trust my God! I have nothing to fear from Him.”

And suddenly, It is before me, in the shape of a cross. (Why had I not noticed this before?)

I stand there before Him in shock, looking upon all His terrifying glory.

Mouth agape, I starred, until I suddenly realized somehow, that I should not be looking directly at such light, or I would be blinded. I was about to avert my eyes, when the lightening dimmed somewhat, and I found it not so fearful to look upon.

It stood there in silence before me, waiting for me to speak.

“You are my world,” I said to Him, now upon my knees. “I trust You. I will not run from You any longer. Do with me as You Will.”

And suddenly the earth shakes and rolls beneath me, tossing me this way and that. Panic, pure panic, wells up from within me, and I try to grab a hold of something to hold on to.

The house is right behind me, and a part of me debates if I could reach its safety before dying.

But again I stop the thoughts and say “NO! I –will – not – run – and – hide!!!”

“Then let go…,” whispers a voice inside me.

I think “now that IS crazy,” but I give it my thoughts. It was something I had not tried before, and after all, what else did I have to loose?

So I let go.

The moment I did, there was a peace from within me, for I noticed the worst did not befall me, as I had feared. Instead, like a ball being bounced back and forth by a group of children, as it rides the waves of nylon material, (like a parachute with a hole in its center,) I found myself inside a cocoon of some kind, invisible, protecting me from the fury of the storm.

I bounced and rode the earth, like a bucking bronco, until I found myself wishing that I still would wake up from the dream. (It was all getting to be a bit too much for me.) So I ask Jesus to end the dream for me.

And then suddenly,

I was awake.

My relief is great, as I whisper out loud “thank You Jesus. Thank You for waking me from the dream…”
*  *  *  *

“For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring.”
(Acts 17:28, KJV)

“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.

And our hope of you is stedfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation.”
(2 Corinthians 1:3-7, KJV)

Being Freed From The Demon Of Depression

Today, I wish to post a testimony of thanks to my Heavenly Father, on this Father’s Day. I praise The great I AM! I praise You Jesus! I Thank You very much for saving me!

Many years ago, I had been suffering from clinical depression, probably brought on through the ill-advised use of the anti-depressant Prozac, prescribed for me (in dangerously large amounts,) in the hope that it would heal me of the constant migraines that I had been suffering from. Instead, it led me into a nightmare that almost ended my life.

Few people can really understand the anguish that affects one suffering from this kind of depression, unless they themselves have also suffered from it. For me, it was an actual physical pain, that affected my whole body. It physically hurt to be alive. So I have included a poem that I had written during this time, which shows the depths of which Jesus pulled me out of.

Within The Hungry Emptiness

The darkness ascends
It covers the mind
As thick as tar
To a place no one finds.
All the tiny pieces
That once could form your life
Now scattered in the air
You try to grab for one
To put it back in place
But your hand stays empty.
A ghost
In a solid world
Half here
Half there
Anywhere
Yet nowhere.
You float
From thought to thought
And jump
From deed to deed
So many energies in the air
Never finishing
Or going anywhere.
Red from anger
Gray with futility
Hands clenching through
A snarled empty head
Unable to grasp a thread
Watching the pot
Boil over with fear
Stumbling
Disjointed
Beyond just broken
Death’s stone face within me
Pulls my feet across the floor
Performs the motions of the living
While pulling my mind through its door
And shutting itself behind me
Click.
No fear
Too beyond it now
No hope
Too far ahead
So lost
So I stay where I am
Within the hungry emptiness.

*

Below is an adapted version of a ‘reader’s theatre’ script that I had written (and performed) for a church I used to go to many years back. It is the testimony of how Jesus used one of His obedient children, to stop me from committing suicide, during the lowest point of my life. 
 
(From my viewpoint:)
I hid myself… in my bedroom closet.
Shut the doors…, then closed my eyes. Depression!…
That… ever-hungry emptiness… that haunted me,
Had finally… consumed… my all.   
All I could think of… was… how to kill myself.
But… through these thoughts,
a voice… from within… called to me, 
and whispered,… “I need you.”
I questioned the voice,… then realized it was God.
I told him how unworthy I was,… how useless.
Yet… he persisted.
“But… you’re God!”, I said,
“You?…You can do anything!
I scoffed. “What do you need me for?”
He answered,…“To help others… like you,
  To reach out …to those… among you
who have gone through… what you have.”
When I asked Him how,
He told me …time would tell,
And to somehow …just get through the afternoon.
“But I can’t!” I cried,
for I feared… my enemies,
Pain,… emptiness,… and… despair.
They’d press me to death, while I waited there. 
Then the voice reminded me; “Genna”.
“But God,” I said, “she’s probably busy today.”
Yet… I found myself calling her anyways.
I asked her if I could come over to visit,
And she told me… she wasn’t sure. 
“I’ll call you right back though,” she said,
“and let you know.” 
So I sat there by the phone…and waited. 

 (From my friend Genna’s viewpoint:)
I slammed down the phone,
Angry at God,
To think he would even ask this of me!
“You know,” I said, speaking out loud,
“just how long I’ve planned to go to this party,
And now you’re demanding I cast it aside?” 
“Be with her,” the thought clearly filled my mind,
“But Lord,” I insisted, “I can be with her tomorrow.”
“No,” the spirit whispered firmer this time,
“I need you to be with her now.”
I sighed, defeated, and said, “oh, all right,”
And when she arrived after my call,
I did sense something wasn’t right. 
We talked about the weather, the traffic, and gardening,
Spoke about nothing at all.  
Then after a time she stood up and said she felt better, 
And told me she needed to go;
For her husband would be home soon. 
“Oh how could you Lord!,” I fumed to myself,
as I followed her out towards the door, 
“I don’t understand why you asked this of me;
This was all such a waste of time!”
But after we said our goodbye’s to each other, 
She turned back to me and added,
“Thank you Genna, for being with me today.  
I would have committed suicide,
If it hadn’t been for you.”
I stood there stunned, as I watched her walk away,
Angry, my mind raced, and I wondered,
What should have I done instead?
“Peace little one,” the Holy Spirit replied,
“you have done what I asked,
now you must let her go.”

*

It took a while to be completely freed from that demon of depression. (I did not know at that time, about casting out demons in the name of Jesus.) Fighting off the depression always seemed to be a struggle. Till one day, listening to a prophesy TV show, the speaker, while praying for those in the audience, suddenly stopped and looked up into the camera, and said that there was someone listening to the broadcast, that was being freed from the demon of depression, right at that moment, and that this person should claim their healing in the name of Jesus, and to forbid satan to trouble them anymore. Satan tried to tell me that the message was for someone else, but I still wondered if it really was meant for me. “Yes! You!” the man’s voice called out (it felt like he was speaking directly to me,) “Do not doubt your healing! You have been set free!” At that moment, as I stood there in the living room doing some housework, I felt the heavy weight that had been on me for so long being lifted off of me. I decided right them and there, that I would claim the message as my own.

It worked!
Glory to Jesus Christ of Nazareth; for indeed, He has set me free!

(And yes, in case you were wondering, Jesus also healed me from the constant migraine attacks, but that story will have to wait for another day… 🙂

*  *  *  *

An Angel Of The Lord Led Us

Another dream…

We Christians are being rounded up and kept in a fortress. No barbed wire, but banks of earth surround us, placed there by the government. It was not kept locked; you could come and go from its entrance, but there really was no reason to go elsewhere, for there was nothing outside of it except desolation, or more compounds just like it farther away.
 
I kept trying to warn those around me, that this government would one day start killing us, (because we were Christians,) but they thought me crazy, and no one really believed me.

Then one fine bright sunny day, on a government-declared holiday, (similar to America’s Fourth of July,) a girlfriend, (somewhat,) came running up to me and my family, just as we were about to step out into the busy public picnic area, calling my name frantically. When she reached us, she told me that I was right; the government was going to kill everyone in the compound, and that she had just seen (and overheard) the pilots talking as they filled up their planes with the poisons.

These were the same three planes that had been scheduled to take part in an acrobatic air show, in honor of the mandated holiday. 

She described the poisons as being in two parts, one was a gas the pilots called ‘krylon’, (I could be spelling that wrong,) and the other part was some kind of microscopic computer kill chip that was suspended in a mixture of synthetic blood. This chip was designed to penetrate the skin within moments, and would then be transported directly to the heart, where it attached itself and detonated a powerful electric charge, thereby causing the heart to stop beating. It could travel, (given enough time,) and was programmed to seek out all human life forms within the contained area. When all the people had been killed off, the chips self-destructed and became inert.  

We heard the roar of the planes engines as they took to the air. We knew that they would soon be circling round to dump their spray onto the unsuspecting people, as they gathered to picnic out in the main park. 

There was no time to run back to warn anyone, nor retrieve any of our belongings, so we started running towards the outer embankments of the compound as fast as we could.

When we were in sight of the embankment, we seen three large planes begin to descend towards us, but I yelled at everyone to keep running. (They were about to give up, thinking it hopeless, but the Spirit of God kept pushing me forward.)

When the planes were almost above us, I seen them open up their bellies, and begin to spray the reddish-brown fluid down upon us and the city. They thought they had gotten us with the poison, but instead had just missed us by a moment or two, thanks to an odd gust of wind that kicked up as we ran.

As we neared the embankment, I searched for one of the tunnel openings, (like an under-pass of a freeway, but with a shallow stream of water beneath it,) and found one not too far ahead. As we ran to it, we heard the planes circle around for another pass, and hid in some bushes nearby, till they passed over us again. (They did not try to spray us again, for they did not see us.)

Then we scrambled over the rocks and water, as we climbed up and out of the tunnel opening. I had gone last, and just as my foot crossed over it, steel-poled gates fell down from the top of the tunnel, sealing everyone else in. We were all surprised by the gates, for no one had even known that they were there.

The Holy Spirit quickly led us out into the ‘desolation’ area, and away from the compound, towards another compound nearby, that had not been scheduled yet for their ‘altercation’. The ‘desolation’ area was called this, because it had no stores or homes in it, and had been ‘returned’ to its ‘natural’ state. But there were scrub bushes, trees, and some patches of grass around us, so it was somewhat simple to remain hidden from prying eyes, as we traveled to the next compound. (There were no real roads to speak of; air travel had become the preferred way to travel. That or subways beneath the earth.)

As we entered into this next compound, and tried to blend in, we realized that we stood out somewhat, in that our dress was just a little different than the others there. So we still kept to the shadows and the greenery, hoping to blend in enough to pass.

I need not have worried. As we entered, an angel of the Lord appeared before us, and led us through the town, to a place where we were told would be safe for us for a while.

As we passed through the center of the town, we went by little kiosks of food snacks that people were selling to the passer-bys. The angel of the Lord led us close to one of them, and asked us if we were hungry, (we were famished, but just realized this at that moment,) and then motioned with his hand to the buckets of snacks, and said, “Eat.”

The nearest bowls of snacks held confections that were a swirled mix of white and milk chocolate, shaped into small sea shells. We each grabbed a handful or two, as we passed on by, being careful not to cause any to be spilled, (which would get the seller’s attention,) and thereby raising an alarm.

As we passed, I looked back to see how much we had taken from the seller. I was concerned that we had taken too much, and did not want the man to take a loss on his product, as I knew he was just trying to make a living by selling them. But when I looked closer, I found that the baskets were just as full as they had been before, with maybe a few more to top them off. I was relieved.

I kept thinking that we could be seen, and indeed were seen, but somehow, the angel of the Lord shielded us from being seen by those who might mean us harm.

When we reached the ‘safe’ houses, we were split up into different homes, so it would be easier to hide us from the authorities.

In the home I was placed in, one of them understood my problem and wanted me there, and her mate did not. They had one teenage son who was ill with a sore on his neck, and in bed.

Someone nearby, became suspicious of the house I was hiding in, and went to the local authorities. Soon, the government was at the door, to search the house, so I had to find a hiding place.

The first few times of this, was simple, for their search effort was only half-hearted; they came in mostly to question the mom and dad, and not really to search the whole house well to find me. But their visits became more frequent, and their searches more intense. At one point, I went downstairs, and was told by the Holy Spirit, to take a half-full (huge) box of blankets, and dump it over on top of me. When they came downstairs to search the room, they slit open the top of the box I was hiding under, pulled out a few blankets, and then left, figuring I was not there.

The couple was worried about their son, concerned they would be denied help cause of me, so I asked them if they wanted me to lay my hands on the wound. Slowly, with uncertainty, they said yes.

When I went to go wash my hands first, God told me no, and to hold them up to the red heating lamp in their bathroom instead. But I felt this would not sanitize them well enough, so I went over to the mirrored sink and began washing my hands. But the voice inside reprimanded me. “You are not doing what I told you to do.” So I stopped, but it was too late; I had been seen by a police man.

He ran around front to get me, but I ran out the back door and away from the house.

Soon many were out searching for me, so I went underground in the subways to hide.

The subways of this city amazed me; they were so perfectly covered in glossy light blue-green square tiles, reminiscent of the color of water. They were on the floor, the walls, and even the ceiling.

As I made my way down, every so often God would tell me to hide, or press myself into the halls alcove areas that were spread out at regular intervals, and remain still. But after a while I began to question this, for I never seen anyone else in the tunnels. I was about to not do it, when God let me know that I was to do so, for the tunnels were watched by remote sensors that picked up movement, every few minutes or so. The Holy Spirit was helping me avoid the motion detectors, by having me duck into the little ‘doorway-like’ alcoves whenever the sensor was trained to where I was. So I followed the Holy Spirit’s nudges as I made my way through the tunnels.

At one point, I could have taken a right turn, yet I sensed it would only lead me down into further trouble, as it clearly sloped downwards as far as I could see, deeper into the earth, and I could hear the faint sounds of voices and human habitation echoing off the walls in the distance. In that hallway, there were no alcoves, and I sensed from the Holy Spirit that there were no motion sensors there either.  

 

Then my alarm went off, and I woke up.

*  *  *  *