My heart drags to post this journal entry here,
Yet the nudging from my Lord and Savior to do so,
Have only strengthened with time and prayer,
and will not go away.
I have been told that there are those out there
Who are currently struggling with issues like these.
So these next few posts, (this one and the past two included,)
Are written for you.
A word of warning concerning this post:
War is ugly, no matter what side you’re on.
Journal entry: April 3rd, 2005
(Note: The past three days I’ve been very sick with bronchitis.
The day after this journal entry, my husband also became sick with this same bug…)
I knew the peace between us wouldn’t last through this illness.
My husband kept asking me to do things,
For him and with him, as if I wasn’t even sick.
I have always told him, (every time I’ve been sick,)
That when I’m sick, all plans are on hold.
No going out for a night on the town,
Getting together with another couple,
Cleaning or re-modeling projects,
But does he listen and take this to heart?
When I awoke today, I felt so miserable,
That when my husband asked me
what I was going to do today,
I told him in all seriousness:
He then asks me questions
Designed to get me to do his will;
“Can you log on to the prescription web site?
I need to access your RX history for taxes.”
“O.K.”, I said, figuring I could do this while I worked on eating my just-made and still-warm lunch.
But problems are encountered in logging on,
And before I knew it, he had me checking up
On two other items of paperwork, as well.
Then, as I’m still struggling to sort out these paper problems,
He clicks something on his Palm Pilot PDA,
(Presumably checking something off his ‘to do’ list,)
then shuts it off & sets it down, turns to me and says:
“O.K…., now, do you want me to help you
clear out and vacuum this room?”
I looked at him first, to see if he was joking,
And when I seen that he was not,
I raised my voice just a notch,
And said very emphatically, “NO!”
He frowned. “Well why not?”
I was so upset by this question,
That I felt my mind buzz blank for a moment,
Before I gave him my answer.
“Because I haven’t even been able
to pause from doing all the other things
you’ve been asking me to do,
to even have a bite of my own lunch!
So, no! I don’t want to! I’m going to eat first!”
He then had the grace to look a bit sheepish,
As he realized the truth of my words, and then backed off enough to let me finish eating my now cold lunch.
Oi! HOW this man could even understand me,
with my voice sounding like a nasally scuba diver
speaking under 30 feet of water, I’ll never know!
Once I finished eating, and finished doing the work
he had requested me to do, we begin clearing out the room.
Mind you, this is heavy once or twice a year cleaning
That I’m trying to do, and to top it off,
My allergies were working overtime,
From all the dust, cat hair, and pollen.
(He had the window open for ‘fresh’ air.)
So by the time we actually came close to finishing,
I was very weak, wheezing, and gasping for air,
And I then stopped and asked my husband to do the rest,
(vacuuming under my desk,)
for I told him that I was on my last molecule of energy,
and I felt like I was about to collapse.
Grumbling, he took the vacuum cleaner
and finished the chore,
but let me know how upset he was,
that I had not told him sooner
that I would not be able to then go downstairs
and fry up the purchased trout for our dinner.
This made me angry again, and I let him know,
That he should not have planned (For certain,)
For me to make or do anything when I’m sick!
He responds, by telling me that I should have told him
Yes or no, yesterday when he mentioned it to me in passing.
(Like how many times would you like me to tell you that
I’M SICK, AND ALL PLANS ARE OFF?!?)
But of course, I go downstairs
(after resting a moment or two,)
and go make the fish for dinner.
Later on that night, right before
(while I’m still weak & struggling to simply breathe,)
he points out on the calendar,
the nights he’s working late for this week.
(Oh No!, I think to myself,
But I need you here when I’m this sick,
To give me a break from the kids,
So I can get some rest!)
He then tells me that he’s not sure
if he should cancel class for Friday, or not.
(At the time of this writing, my husband was a professor at a local college.)
I ask him why he would,
And he tells me that he can combine the last two lessons,
And then give the students a break on Friday.
(Oh, I think to myself, that would be nice for them.)
But then he goes and does the crass and uncaring
(dare I say unthinking?) thing of reminding me
that we would need this Friday off,
in order for us to go camping this weekend.
I looked at him in shock, anger, and disbelief,
And repeated once again to him,
That no, we can’t go camping this weekend,
BECAUSE I’M SICK!
This time, he slams the calendar down on the desk,
And snarled “that’s right! We can’t, can we!”
He then looks at me fully and says:
“I am so ANGRY that you are sick!”
(Well!!! HE’S angry that I’m sick!!
What am I ? HAPPY? I certainly didn’t choose
To get this sickness, and spend my next two months
Just struggling to breathe in an ocean of green slimy mucus!!!)
“Well then,” I told him, “the next time the neighbor boy
comes over to play with the kids,
and he’s still sounding and acting like he’s still pretty sick,
you’ll know what to tell him!”
(My husband had always de-valued my concerns,
and shut me up when I told him that I don’t want our kids
to play with other sick kids, while they’re still sick.
I don’t know why, But he seems to believe that our children (and me?!?) are like superheroes or something,
Impervious to bacteria, viruses, or colds.
He let them play all together, and now we are all sick
with what this boy had. And so now he blames ME?!?)
As he walks away, my mind is already deciding
That now we are separate again,
And that I will hold myself apart from him,
And not sleep too close to him tonight.
But then God
(yes, He was still there, – amazing, isn’t it?)
reminded me of the futility of such a move.
It would only end up being
a waste of spent time & energy.
But I couldn’t just let it all go, either.
So I said, – much more calmly, “You know, …that really hurt!”
“I know,” he replied with resignation
yet still some anger, in his voice.
And I know, that sooner or later,
With my P.U.S.H. prayers, (Praying Until Something Happens,)
My husband’s heart will soften,
And he will come to terms yet again,
with his imperfect wife.
So, now, I simply have to keep reminding myself
(as Satan tries to incite me against
such a ‘selfish’ & ‘unloving’ husband,)
that this too, shall pass,
and that this is not a big enough issue
to rip our family apart over.
Once again however,
I am reminded of what happens to me
When I take my eyes off Jesus,
And refocus them on my husband.
That man would keep me doing his will
running me ragged, telling me to just keep going,
And that I’ll be just fine. Vitamins? Medicines?
Nah, you don’t really need them.
Rest? What for? Your not REALLY that sick, are you?
Oh come on! Why do you have to let
A little virus bring you down like that?
Just ignore it, and it will go away!
They say, that to look at God, is life. And in my case,
I think the literal interpretation would fit.
Cause to keep my eyes on my husband,
And submit to my husband IN EVERYTHING,
Instead of checking in with my God FIRST,
Would mean death for me, in more ways than one….
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.
(Colossians Chapter 3, verses 18-19, 23-24, KJV)
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