A Sign Of ME Is What You’re Looking For

April 7th, 2005

After several more days of enduring these horrid emotions,
(talk about dragging my feet!)
I finally go to God in PUSH prayer.

After 40 minutes or so, God tells me to go read
Through my old journal entries again.

“Which ones?”

“The ones on WAR.”

I had to go back to
Saturday, December 4th, 2004….

The old
“Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree’
dream.

(https://dreamsofdunamis.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/a-simple-yellow-ribbon/

https://dreamsofdunamis.wordpress.com/2012/10/04/what-god-was-talking-about/)

But Lord!
To soften before hand
And be ready for him when he returns,
Waiting for him with arms open wide?
I don’t know about that one, Lord…

I think of the ‘Call Of Duty,
extension CD game (my husbands favorite PC game) entitled:
‘United Offensive.’
It talked about the players needing to work with
their other team members, together,
so they could win the war.
A sort of parable of those working for Christ
And the kingdom of God.

“Could you not think of those hurtful words or deeds
as Satan’s weapons
that he tricks your husband into using against you?

Oh Ma petite, the more time you spend with me,
the more satan’s weapons will have no effect on you.
They will be rendered useless.”

Lord, when one becomes wounded
In this spiritual war, what do you do?
Just ignore the wound?

“If the wound is not serious, then yes.
You continue on till the course of the day
allows you to see to your wound.
If the wound is serious, and you physically can not go on
Fighting the good fight,
Then you must stop and as soon as possible,
Come to Me, so it can be treated.”

Oh Lord, just the thought of someone you trust
Suddenly turning on you and becoming the enemy,
Is too hard to bear!
How can one ever really come to trust them?

“When they reveal themselves as the enemy
(or as untrustworthy,)
that is when they would be sick and in need of Me.
There are many different wounds on this battlefield.
With some, you can see their wound right away,
And see how it is incapacitating them.
And with others, it is hard to see that death
Working to end the life within them.
Both you can not see except through Me.

Remember; only Satan cares for war, ma petite.

Be strong with the Lord’s mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.
Use every piece of God’s armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the sturdy belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News, so that you will be fully prepared. In every battle you will need faith as your shield to stop the fiery arrows aimed at you by Satan. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray at all times and on every occasion in the power of the Holy Spirit. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all Christians everywhere.
(Ephesians 6:10-18)

I repeat:

Pray at all times
and on every occasion
in the power of the Holy Spirit.
Stay alert
And be persistent
in your prayers…”
(Ephesians 6:18)

Lord, is the earth shaking a part of war?

Then I thought of the weapons used in war.
Particularly of bombs.

Yet I remained a cynic.
Do bombs cause the earth to shake like an earthquake Lord?
I sensed the answer was yes, but I doubted,
For I did not know enough about war to know for sure.

“Yes little one,” He replied. “Trust Me; they do.
Especially the ones that fall close to you.”

Oh But Lord!
I don’t want to keep on fighting with him!

“This is your only choice;
the path I’ve made for you,
or Satan’s.”
(God’s path, means to stay with my husband,
despite him being such a …ugh!?)

“Do you think you are the only one to feel the bomb, ma petite?What if BOTH of you got injured by the bomb?”

These wounds obtained in battle…
are they like the heat that purifies the silver?

“That depends upon the action of the believer.
Heat only softens & melts the silver;
I Am the only one,
Who can skim off the impurities from the top.

If they came to me, in trust and child-like faith,
Asking me to purify them
And remake them into My image,
Then yes, the heat will serve
To soften you for the remolding,
And I will purify the dross from your soul.

But if you do not, if you remain hard,
And do not come to me,
Then the heat will only leave the believer
With the scars of war.

The harder the metal is
and the more scarred the believer,
the longer it will take,
to transform their image into mine.”

*

(After another hour or so in P.U.S.H. prayer…)

Oh My Child,
If you only knew of the power
You hold in your hands!
Like an Olympic runner,
The torch of hope and light
Has been passed to you
& is now in your hands.
If you could only realize,
The power, hope, and light
You hold in your hands,
Then NOTHING would stand
In your way!
Nothing…”

A torch, Lord?

“Yes. Like a relay runner
in the old Olympic games.
Research the first races.
You will find that there were
Many dangers
That could befall the runner,
And stop him from finishing
The race.”

*

(I remained on my knees in prayer for several more hours,
Still trying to overcome the painful words and actions
Of my husband. How could he be so uncaring?)

“Oh ma petite! You NEED
to get rid of that
‘You versus me’ mentality.
You NEED
To not take it personally,
as an attack against you.
The ‘you versus me’ mentality
And taking it personally,
Is what will lead you into battle
Against your brother
And against ME.

Strive to be free from these leads.

Remember ma petite,
The battle is ever between you and evil,
NOT between you and another.
NEVER MAKE IT A PERSONAL MATTER!
*

One day, eventually,
if you spend enough time
in My presence,
ALL of your wounds will be healed.

Even if you do not ‘feel’ like praying,
and asking for your hearts to be softened,
you are to FORCE yourself to ask for it,
because this is My will for you.”

*

As I rise,
(tired of all this P.U.S.H. prayer,)
That insatiable emptiness begins to fill me.

“You know what that feeling is, right ma petite?”

Yeah., I knew what it was.
It’s what happens when one turns away from Christ.
The heart and soul aches,
From the lack of nourishment it had partaken of before.

“You see, little one, this is an ‘either or’.
There is only two possibilities,
once you have drank from My fountain.
As soon as you turn away from Me,
The ever-waiting darkness ascends
And begins to eat away your soul.”

Oh, how nice;
The proverbial rock or hard place.
What a choice. ( – Not!)
Turn from You, and
Face the pain of emptiness within,
Or turn to You, and
Face the pain of betrayal by one loved,
Yet again.
Not much choice there, Lord.
Not much choice at all.

“Can’t you trust me, ma petite?”

(Sigh.) No Lord, I can not.
I am too afraid of the pain.

So I remain here immobilized,
As the teeth of withdrawal settles in,
Biting at my soul.

FINALLY,
I sigh,
Repent,
And then go back to Praying Until Something Happens.

*

Is this PUSH prayer, (Pray Until Something Happens prayer,)
The only way to do this? (I do not like praying like this; it sometimes feels like I’m just wasting my time…)
“No. But it’s quicker.
How long did you want
To stay in the hurt?
How quickly
Do you wish to heal
From these ‘wounds of war’?

*

Realize,
where the pressure is coming from!
Satan.
When possible, TURN TOGETHER,
To the only one who can fight
Against the adversary and win.
ME.”

*

Lord, How do I put on
Your protective armor,
That you talk about
In Ephesians 6?
It says to use every piece of Your armor.
I know that the sword is the words of the Bible,
And that my faith in You (ie: JUST BELIEVE,)
Can be a shield that protects me from Satan’s attacks.
But ‘the body armor of God’s righteousness’…
How in heaven’s name can one put THAT on?
What IS it? I simply do not understand!

“Each time you come to me to pray,
a thin layer of this protective coating
is given to you. Kind of like the polyurethane
you coat the kitchen table with, to protect it
from getting damaged.
The more coats that cover you,
The more protected from hurt you will be.”

This coating…
Does some of it come from the Holy Spirit?

“Yes.”

*

lord, how can I tell
when my loved one is acting ‘foolish’?
Are there not signs that I could watch out for?
(So I could stop and go P.U.S.H. pray sooner,
In the hopes of preventing more hurt.)

“A person acting foolish will:

Try to control things and others
By rage, passive anger, sullen silence,
Whining, complaining, threatening suicide,
Give you the ‘silent treatment’,
Lie, cheat, steal, or charm you, or
play the role of a victim or martyr,
leaving you feeling abused.
They believe that if YOU were different,
There wouldn’t be a problem.
They act self-reliant and self-centered,
Complacent, selfish, sullen,
Quick-tempered, and or contemptuous.
They trust in themselves alone,
And stubbornly maintain their position
At all costs. (ie: they are always right.)
They mock at the thought
of making amends for their actions.
They create strife
because of their selfishness,
and cause destruction,
often with their tongue.
They stubbornly want to do
what they want to do,
(and they enjoy doing it,)
Even though it may endanger
Themselves or others.”

What are the signs of being in full repent?

“You will see an attitude of humility
(Not just agreeing that they were wrong.)
They will often look for ways to make amends.
(ie: Have the heart of a servant.)
When they are genuinely sorry,
They will not be pushy, or demanding
In getting their needs met.
If you end up getting more
Complaints, excuses, or conditions,
From them, chances are
That they are still not in full repent.”

Then I would need to go back and keep P.U.S.H. praying for them?

“Yes.”

*

But Lord, I’m so busy!
I don’t have that kind of time just to go P.U.S.H. pray!

“Go do your job as you must,
But give all your free time to Me,
In P.U.S.H. prayer.
Remember ma petite,
Whenever ‘something is not as it should be’,
It is then, that you are to STOP
And COME TO ME, and
PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS.
This something,
Could be your loved one’s heart
changing and softening to Me and to you,
Or even a sense of peace that finally comes over you.

A sign of ME, is what you’re looking for…”

* * * *

His Imperfect Wife

My heart drags to post this journal entry here,
Yet the nudging from my Lord and Savior to do so,
Have only strengthened with time and prayer,
and will not go away.

I have been told that there are those out there
Who are currently struggling with issues like these.
So these next few posts, (this one and the past two included,)
Are written for you.

A word of warning concerning this post:
War is ugly, no matter what side you’re on.

Journal entry: April 3rd, 2005

(Note: The past three days I’ve been very sick with bronchitis.
The day after this journal entry, my husband also became sick with this same bug…)

I knew the peace between us wouldn’t last through this illness.

My husband kept asking me to do things,
For him and with him, as if I wasn’t even sick.

I have always told him, (every time I’ve been sick,)
That when I’m sick, all plans are on hold.
No going out for a night on the town,
Getting together with another couple,
Cleaning or re-modeling projects,
EVERYTHING.
But does he listen and take this to heart?

No.

When I awoke today, I felt so miserable,
That when my husband asked me
what I was going to do today,
I told him in all seriousness:
TO BREATHE.

He then asks me questions
Designed to get me to do his will;

“Can you log on to the prescription web site?
I need to access your RX history for taxes.”
“O.K.”, I said, figuring I could do this while I worked on eating my just-made and still-warm lunch.

But problems are encountered in logging on,
And before I knew it, he had me checking up
On two other items of paperwork, as well.
Then, as I’m still struggling to sort out these paper problems,
He clicks something on his Palm Pilot PDA,
(Presumably checking something off his ‘to do’ list,)
then shuts it off & sets it down, turns to me and says:
“O.K…., now, do you want me to help you
clear out and vacuum this room?”

I looked at him first, to see if he was joking,
And when I seen that he was not,
I raised my voice just a notch,
And said very emphatically, “NO!”

He frowned. “Well why not?”

I was so upset by this question,
That I felt my mind buzz blank for a moment,
Before I gave him my answer.
“Because I haven’t even been able
to pause from doing all the other things
you’ve been asking me to do,
to even have a bite of my own lunch!
So, no! I don’t want to! I’m going to eat first!”

He then had the grace to look a bit sheepish,
As he realized the truth of my words, and then backed off enough to let me finish eating my now cold lunch.

Oi! HOW this man could even understand me,
with my voice sounding like a nasally scuba diver
speaking under 30 feet of water, I’ll never know!

Once I finished eating, and finished doing the work
he had requested me to do, we begin clearing out the room.
Mind you, this is heavy once or twice a year cleaning
That I’m trying to do, and to top it off,
My allergies were working overtime,
From all the dust, cat hair, and pollen.
(He had the window open for ‘fresh’ air.)
So by the time we actually came close to finishing,
I was very weak, wheezing, and gasping for air,
And I then stopped and asked my husband to do the rest,
(vacuuming under my desk,)
for I told him that I was on my last molecule of energy,
and I felt like I was about to collapse.
Grumbling, he took the vacuum cleaner
and finished the chore,
but let me know how upset he was,
that I had not told him sooner
that I would not be able to then go downstairs
and fry up the purchased trout for our dinner.

This made me angry again, and I let him know,
That he should not have planned (For certain,)
For me to make or do anything when I’m sick!

He responds, by telling me that I should have told him
Yes or no, yesterday when he mentioned it to me in passing.

(Like how many times would you like me to tell you that
I’M SICK, AND ALL PLANS ARE OFF?!?)

But of course, I go downstairs
(after resting a moment or two,)
and go make the fish for dinner.

Later on that night, right before
(while I’m still weak & struggling to simply breathe,)
he points out on the calendar,
the nights he’s working late for this week.
(Oh No!, I think to myself,
But I need you here when I’m this sick,
To give me a break from the kids,
So I can get some rest!)
He then tells me that he’s not sure
if he should cancel class for Friday, or not.
(At the time of this writing, my husband was a professor at a local college.)
I ask him why he would,
And he tells me that he can combine the last two lessons,
And then give the students a break on Friday.
(Oh, I think to myself, that would be nice for them.)
But then he goes and does the crass and uncaring
(dare I say unthinking?) thing of reminding me
that we would need this Friday off,
in order for us to go camping this weekend.

(AAAGGGHHH!!!!)

I looked at him in shock, anger, and disbelief,
And repeated once again to him,
That no, we can’t go camping this weekend,
BECAUSE I’M SICK!

This time, he slams the calendar down on the desk,
And snarled “that’s right! We can’t, can we!”
He then looks at me fully and says:
“I am so ANGRY that you are sick!”

(Well!!! HE’S angry that I’m sick!!
What am I ? HAPPY? I certainly didn’t choose
To get this sickness, and spend my next two months
Just struggling to breathe in an ocean of green slimy mucus!!!)

“Well then,” I told him, “the next time the neighbor boy
comes over to play with the kids,
and he’s still sounding and acting like he’s still pretty sick,
you’ll know what to tell him!”

(My husband had always de-valued my concerns,
and shut me up when I told him that I don’t want our kids
to play with other sick kids, while they’re still sick.
I don’t know why, But he seems to believe that our children (and me?!?) are like superheroes or something,
Impervious to bacteria, viruses, or colds.
He let them play all together, and now we are all sick
with what this boy had. And so now he blames ME?!?)

As he walks away, my mind is already deciding
That now we are separate again,
And that I will hold myself apart from him,
And not sleep too close to him tonight.

But then God
(yes, He was still there, – amazing, isn’t it?)
reminded me of the futility of such a move.
It would only end up being
a waste of spent time & energy.

But I couldn’t just let it all go, either.
So I said, – much more calmly, “You know, …that really hurt!”

“I know,” he replied with resignation
yet still some anger, in his voice.

And I know, that sooner or later,
With my P.U.S.H. prayers, (Praying Until Something Happens,)
My husband’s heart will soften,
And he will come to terms yet again,
with his imperfect wife.

So, now, I simply have to keep reminding myself
(as Satan tries to incite me against
such a ‘selfish’ & ‘unloving’ husband,)
that this too, shall pass,
and that this is not a big enough issue
to rip our family apart over.

Once again however,
I am reminded of what happens to me
When I take my eyes off Jesus,
And refocus them on my husband.
That man would keep me doing his will
running me ragged, telling me to just keep going,
And that I’ll be just fine. Vitamins? Medicines?
Nah, you don’t really need them.
Rest? What for? Your not REALLY that sick, are you?
Oh come on! Why do you have to let
A little virus bring you down like that?
Just ignore it, and it will go away!

Oh yeah.

They say, that to look at God, is life. And in my case,
I think the literal interpretation would fit.
Cause to keep my eyes on my husband,
And submit to my husband IN EVERYTHING,
Instead of checking in with my God FIRST,
Would mean death for me, in more ways than one….
*

TO BE CONTINUED…

*

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.

(Colossians Chapter 3, verses 18-19, 23-24, KJV)

* * * *