Reliving Old Grief

 

I dreamed of my mother again,
And of my grandmother.

I was back in my old childhood house, living out of a suitcase,
And having to face my mother’s death again.

My uncle was also there with me;
I sensed that he had been sent there to help me recover from my mother’s death, and was praying for me.

I kept wandering around the house looking for something familiar,
Something of comfort, but could find nothing.

I kept a blanket around me (I was only in my undergarments
Underneath,) and thought to get dressed, but even the clothes in my suitcase
Were unfamiliar.

I seen the odd collections of ceramics and plates that were still unfinished, (she liked to make them,) but they were things I had not seen before.

I sensed it was time to give them away.

I kept crying, the grief overwhelming me
Consuming from the inside out.

I tried to go through the closet to the other side of the house
Like I used to when I was young, but it had long been blocked off.

“I miss you so much mother!” I exclaimed to the closet wall.
“And I miss you too, grandma & grandpa!”

“But I miss my mama most of all!”

No matter how hard I tried,
I just kept crying.

I then woke up.

*

When I awoke,
I kept hearing the tune of a song, (a top 40 song,) that keeps repeating itself:
“I keep bleeding…Keep keep bleeding…love…I get cut up inside…”

I looked up the date of when my mother died.

Several years ago this Thursday.

Figures.
Maybe that’s why I dreamed of her again.

“That,” I felt God reply,
“and the tulips that are sitting on top of your kitchen counter,
Constantly reminding you of your grandmother.
They help too.”

I thought of my mother and how she lived in the same house as her parents,
And wondered how she coped with all the memories of her parents
Constantly surrounding her.

My heart remained heavy though,
As I relived the grief from my mother’s death.

“This is an attack from satan, Ma Petite,” my God replied.

“A dream of my mother?” I was a little confused of this.
“What’s wrong with having a dream of my mom?”

“This dream, brought you grief, pain, and loneliness, all over again.
Which kingdom is better served, bringing you that?”

True; it was hard to continue on with life when you’re struck down again with that ‘death grief’. Yes, reliving old grief definitely was an attack from satan….

*

Matthew 6:34 KJV “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”

Psalm 23:1-6 (KJV) “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

John 14:27 (KJV) “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

 

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A Miracle: I Survived The Bite Of A Black Widow Spider

(FYI: Nothing in this missive is to be taken as medical advice. If you are in need, go to the Great Physician.)

It was in the middle of the summer, and the temperature had soared to over a hundred degrees every day for the past three weeks. Our puny little air conditioner could never seem to keep up with the heat. I was getting sick of it. Literally.

So when my husband told me that it was going to be another blistering day, I decided to take my paperwork and go downstairs to sit by the air conditioner.

But the Holy Spirit told me no. “Stay up here and work,” He told me.

But I became angry at the command. “No!” I said in response. “I am sick and tired of being so hot all the time! I’m getting a break from it!”

So I took my work and went downstairs.

It was much cooler there. I sat at the table (this was the school table where we did our work during the week,) and felt relieved as I felt the cool breeze on my skin.

Then I felt something crawling on my leg. I thought it must be the fly that had been in the kitchen earlier. I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to look and make sure, but once again, I foolishly ignored Him. Without looking, I used my other foot to brush it off my leg.

That night, began one of the worst nights of my life. My heart pounded like it was trying to escape my chest, and every time I tried to lay down, I felt my lungs fill up with fluid till I had to sit up just to breathe. My head ached, and I felt almost like I had a severe case of the flu.

For three days, I was intensely ill.

I went back to the Lord and begged for His forgiveness, and asked Him to have mercy on me and help me. I push prayed until I heard Him give me directions. He told me not to go to the hospital, but instead was to take a certain number of vitamin C’s, B vitamins, and calcium pills, and to repeat this as He instructed.

I told Him that I could not, for I had run out of calcium pills several days ago, and was waiting for the shipment to arrive any day.

“Go look,” He said.

“It’s not there, Lord! I’d just be wasting my energy!”

“GO LOOK!”, He insisted.

Sigh. I knew my God was not going to give up. So I said “Fine! I’ll go look!”

It wasn’t where I usually keep it; it was sitting right at eye level, in front of the other bottles of assorted vitamins.

I was amazed. I figured that my husband had probably seen the shipment, and had begun unpacking it for me, but got called away before he could put them all away.

I thanked God, took the medicine, and slowly started to feel better.

A week later, and I was still suffering from the strange symptoms. So I went to the doctor.

He listened to my symptoms, looked at my swollen leg, (It looked like I had a half a grapefruit hiding under the skin,) and promptly diagnosed me with a black widow spider bite. He said I was fortunate that I had survived the poison, but that there was little he could do for me now, as the worst of the danger had passed. (The anti-venom was contraindicated this late in the game.)

So I went home, and researched on line what one could do for a black widow spider bite. To my amazement, one web site suggested taking large doses of vitamin C, B vitamins, and calcium, every few hours.

I thanked my husband for putting the bottle of calcium in my closet, but he said he didn’t do it. “Maybe one of the boys did it,” he replied. I figured he must be right.

But a week later, I got a notice in my email from the supplier of those calcium pills. “We are sorry to inform you, that the product you ordered has not yet shipped out, because it is still on back order…”

I was shocked. I went back into the closet to stare at the bottle of calcium pills. They looked no different from what I usually use. They were the same brand and dose as I usually keep on hand. But I took them and hugged them to my chest, and thanked God for sending them to me. When they ran out, I wanted to keep the bottle to remember it by, but the Lord said it might become an idol and that I was not to keep it, so I threw it out.

The symptoms lasted for close to a year. It is not something I would wish upon another living thing, ever.

This last night of Hanukkah, we remember what the Lord Jesus has done for us. This was one of them.

May you be blessed abundantly by the Lord God of all,
C. Dunamis

Still Here

It has been hard, going through all of this. Since my last post, I have been hit with many attacks, physical, spiritual, and emotional. I thought for sure it was the demon of diabetes, but the tests came back negative. The Great Physician diagnosed me with inflammation instead. I am claiming my healing. Please keep praying for me.

When starting this blog, I had promised the Lord that I would try to at least do one post a month. But during these illnesses, satan managed to pull me from my promise and my purpose.

The first yank came when I went on line to answer comments. I found so many that were so negative, that it was disheartening.

I’ve had my share of nasty comments (usually from unbelievers, wiccans, and satanists,) to the point that they no longer trouble me. I don’t even read their comments anymore; I return to them unopened spiritually whatever they send to me, and then delete their comments.

No, what hit me, were all the comments from other believers. All I had asked for, on my last two posts, was for prayer. Yet by far, the majority of the comments made by other believer’s, were ones of condemnation or unbelief. They wanted to know what I would do if I wasn’t healed. Some wanted to know what horrible sin I had done to receive such judgement from God. Others believed that it was God’s Will for me to suffer, and that I should just accept it. I was dumbfounded at their beliefs. Haven’t they read the book of Job? Have they forgotten all the scriptures that state God’s wonderful Will for His children? Didn’t they read the New Testament where it shows that Jesus didn’t turn people away who had sought him out for help, by stating that nope, sorry, but it was the will of the Father for them to remain sick?

There were other comments such as these, that satan tried to use to instill doubt within me. I struggled to clung to the scriptures. My favorite is Jeremiah 29:11: “I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.” When wondering what was from satan or not, the scripture John 10:10 pointed it out clearly: “The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” Trying to kill my faith, steal my vision, and destroy my mobility with a stroke was obviously from satan and not my God!

The second pull was satan whispering in my ear, telling me that I no longer held the right to blog, for I was no longer standing in victory. It was probably best to wait till I had complete victory over all my illnesses before posting again.

Then lastly, I began to doubt just how much good the blog was doing for the kingdom of God.

So I decided to give it up. I shut down the computer and crawled away.

But the Lord Jesus, in all His mercy, reminded me of a dream I had long ago…

(To be continued….)
*
“Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he saveth them out of their distresses.” (Psalm 107:19 KJV)

“Thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee: and the light shall shine upon thy ways.” (Job 22:28 KJV)

“For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.” (Mark 11:23 KJV)

“Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.” (Mark 11:24 KJV)

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”( Isaiah 53:5 KJV)

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” (Proverbs 18:21 KJV)

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (Ephesians 4:29 KJV)

“There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.” (Proverbs 12:18 KJV)

“Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with loving kindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Psalm 103:1-5 KJV)

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? (Matthew 7: 7-11 KJV)